The End of the Rainbow
by lordhellebore
Summary: WIP: However much he might think he hates him, that night at Godric's Hollow, Severus can't leave Lily's boy behind. Drabble series, 5 drabbles per chapter.
1. Chapter 1

~ 1 ~

Severus ignores the wailing child in the crib; he has eyes only for Lily, lying in his arms cold and lifeless. This boy is the reason she had to die. This boy – and his own treachery. He can't decide whom he hates more, himself or the child.

Lily is pale and still, so different from how he knew her. Holding her closer, Severus presses a kiss to her forehead.

_She kissed him good night just like this every evening._

The thought is unwelcome, but Severus can't shake it. Finally, after a last gentle caress, Severus lays her down and stands. 

* * *

~ 2 ~

Severus looks down at the boy. Green eyes are swimming with tears – eyes just like Lily's. Gritting his teeth, Severus wants to turn away when the boy reaches out.

"Mama?"

Severus's eyes follow the boy's to the motionless woman. Her mouth is standing open, eyes wide and empty. He can't bear to see her like this any longer. He has to get away.

"Mama!" Again, the boy starts to sob.

Once Severus leaves, he'll be alone with her corpse.

Severus hesitates. Turns. Reaches out.

They boy doesn't stop crying, but he clings tightly to Severus as he Apparates them away. 

* * *

~ 3~

Severus has no idea what to do with a child.

He keeps pacing his living room, awkwardly holding the screaming boy, who hangs in his arms like a dead weight. In the end, he sits down on the couch. The boy presses against him, face buried in Severus's robes, again and again calling out for his mother.

"She's dead!" Severus snaps when he can no longer take it. "She'll _never_ come back! Now stop it already!"

The boy looks up at him in shocked silence. It's just when Severus's own tears set in that he, too, once more begins crying. 

* * *

~ 4~

An hour later, neither of them has moved. Severus sits with his eyes closed, acutely aware of the warm little weight on his lap.

How often did Lily sit like this? How often did she hold him and wait until he had cried himself out, falling asleep against her like he now did with Severus?

Still, Severus isn't quite sure why he took him, is tempted to simply go and bring him back. It's not as if he could keep him. Not James Potter's boy.

Lily's boy.

"You should have been ours," Severus whispers hoarsely. "You should have been mine." 

* * *

~ 5 ~

It can never work. He'll never be able to forgive the boy for Lily's death.

But who else is there? All relatives are dead; the only one left is Petunia. He remembers the way she had looked at her sister and him as if they were less than human, as if they were somehow dirty.

"Freaks" she had called them.

Severus imagines her look at the boy on his lap the same way, imagines him grow up in a cold home much like himself. It's all too easy – and he knows he'll never forgive himself if he lets it happen.


	2. Chapter 2

~ 6 ~

"I can't allow it."

"Do you think I care about that in the slightest?" Of course, Severus knows that it's all about what Dumbledore will allow.

"They're his relatives; they'll take good care of him. Do you truly believe a Death Eater is the right choice to raise Harry Potter?"

The words sting, but Severus ignores it, cradling the sleeping boy protectively. "He will not live with Petunia. I know her. She hates magic, and she hated Lily. He'd be miserable! That's what _I_ won't allow!"

Dumbledore smiles – and that's when Severus understands.

"Well?" He sighs. "Tell me your conditions."

* * *

~ 7 ~

The idea is absurd, and Lupin seems to think the same.

"You can't be serious," he hisses at Dumbledore. "You can't possibly let _him_ –"

"As if a werewolf could take care of an infant!"

Lupin glares at Severus. "Still better than a Death Eater! James and Lily are dead, _murdered_, and you helped bring it about! It would be a crime to let you anywhere near their son!"

"I got the boy out of there!" Severus snaps. "Where were you?"

"At least not with You-Know-Who!"

Soft crying wafts in from the living room. Lupin leaves the kitchen without another word.

* * *

~ 8 ~

The boy won't calm down, no matter how much Lupin tries hushing him. "It's me, Harry, it's Uncle Remus."

The words don't make any difference, nor does the way Lupin rocks and hums to the boy. Minutes later, he is screaming hysterically, his face beet-red, nose and cheeks smeared with snot and tears. Wordlessly, Severus holds out his arms. A wet little face is buried against his neck. Slowly, the boy stops sobbing and shaking.

Lupin watches with stunned helplessness. Finally, he slumps down on the couch, face in his hands. "All right," he mutters. "All right. Let's try it."

* * *

~ 9~

Severus hates Lupin's presence at his house, but Dumbledore was adamant: either they do this together or the boy will be raised by his aunt.

"Remus is his parents' closest living friend," he'd argued. "Harry knows him – he's got nobody else left."

"He's a werewolf! You can't subject a child –"

"You'll brew him Wolfsbane. You'll manage."

Days after day creeps by as they regard each other in wary silence. They try to ignore each other, try not to fight so as not to frighten the child. They're failing constantly.

Maybe the boy would be better off with Petunia after all.

* * *

~ 10 ~

Ten days after their death, Lily and Potter are buried.

Of course, Severus can't go, couldn't even if he didn't have to take care of the boy. He could disguise himself and go unnoticed, but he couldn't take seeing the coffin, knowing that _she_ is inside, being lowered into the earth to rot.

Lupin comes home late in the evening. He stops in the living room doorway, looking down at Severus and Harry. He seems torn between crying and lunging at Severus.

"It should have been you. They should be here with him."

Severus can't say that he disagrees.


End file.
